Going to the ER for suicidal ideation was a new experience for me that was full of surprises. One of the most disheartining surprises was how difficult it was for doctors to see past my transition. On my first visit that was all they could focus on. I felt like they believed it was impossible for anything else to cause my distress and they did not believe me when I said transition was the only positive in my life. Doctors seem to be fixated on my gender and it has really had me worried. Not only do I feel I do not get the proper treatment at times because of it, I have also been really concerned about the effect it will have on my transition. Maybe they will try to stop me from transitioning or suggest I go back to who I was pretending to be before.
On Tuesday when I went to see my GP those were the concerns in my mind. I did not want to bring them up with her. No matter how supportive she has been, I was not going to open that can of worms. Eventually she brought up my most recent lab tests. She went over the levels with me and asked if I wanted to increase the hormone dosage I am on. What a huge relief! Not only does she see my transition as positive, too, my new diagnosis are having absolutely no bearing on how she is treating me. Needless to say, I left with a new prescription and a much lighter mood.
Yes, its true, I got to walk the red carpet last night in a fabulous new dress and heels for the first time. It was a great evening. No major slip ups, I may not have been the most comfortable in heels, but I didn’t look like a newborn fawn either. I mixed and mingled in a room that was shoulder to shoulder with celebrities, media and in general very few people I had met before.
The fun started when I got home. I have a new face wash, a pump bottle instead of wipes and last night was my first time using it. So I splashed some nice warm water on my face, grabbed the bottle by the sink, sprayed it in my hands and lathered it up. Funny though, it doesn’t really foam up. Why would they boother calling it foaming face fash? Maybe it still works though, so I rub it on, extra attention to the eyes, that mascara is hard to get off except the moments you don’t want it to run. Another nice rinse in warm water and pat dry and I feel great. Now its time to check out this bottle, because I was really looking forward to a nice soothing foam. Thats when I realised the trick to getting foam is using the right bottle. I had just washed my face with the hairspray I had left on the counter when I was getting ready. So I guess I am one of those people they write the silly warning labels for. This product is not intended to be used as a face wash!
I was so scared to let the owners of the company I work for know that I had decided to transition. They are husband and wife and have always seemed very nice. True to form, they were very supportive and made me feel I had worried about nothing. In the last two months, since I have fully transitioned my dress, I have felt totally safe at work. Of the two owners, I work more closely with the wife. She has shared makeup, clothes and great tips with me. Her husband has seemed accepting, but has had the occasional pronoun slip. Our grand opening is this week and the owners of the parent franchise have flown in from Singapore. Today, the husband owner of our company introduced me to the top person of the parent company as “he.”
I am almost certain the intent was not bad, but I wanted to share how it made me feel for anyone who has ever done this or thinks there is no harm in it.
In that one instance, work changed from a place where I felt safe, to somewhere I need to be on my guard. Being careless in front of such an important stranger made me feel dissrespected. It made me feel the owners of the company I work for place no value on me as a person. It made me feel like he does not accept my gender as valid.
I retreated into my office showing no signs that anything was wrong. I wouldn’t show him the same dissrespect he showed me in front of any guest, let alone one this important. When I was in my office alone I allowed myself a few tears though.
For his part, the guest was kind and did not acknowledge the slip. He was a perfect gentleman.
I won’t minimize this by saying anything like “I am strong and I can take it.” No person should have to take it. I just hope that by reading this you can see that a harmless slip is anything but harmless to the person it is directed at.
I wish physical a physical transition changed old thought patterns, too. It’s not that easy, though.
I have known I am transgender for years, but I have fought it. All the rationalizing really accomplished was a delay in what was inevitable for me and a lot of mental anguish.
Unfortunately I am finding some of those same thoughhts sneaking up on me, even now. I cannot describe how happy it has made me to finally be me, but I those old rationalizations still come up. Maybe I am not really trans and it was this or that that made me think this way.
It is ridiculous because the evidence of my current life clearly shows that I am now more comfortable annd happy with myself than ever before, yet I still give these thoughts a place in my head.
I have read of people who say you aren’t tranns if you have doubts like this. I want to say that these doubts are about being human. I am without question a transgender woman and I am sure I am not the only one who has had these thoughts.
On Saturday I went for my first ever manicure. It was great, and it feels good to not have to hide the color. I have been painting my toes for a long time now, they could be hidden in shoes and socks so no one would guess my true identity.
It feels nice to be able to wear nail polish on my fingers, out in the open where I can look down at them. That is really what all of this is about, being true to myself. That is why it is not as big a deal as I thought it would be when someone looks at me in a strange way or smirks at me. Let them have their opinion, I am being authentic and it feels great.
I had an odd sensation yesterday while walking home from work. Maybe not so odd for others, but it’s the first time I can remember feeling it.
It is hard to describe, but it felt like I was melting into my body. I guess I have always sort of had this vague feeling that there was two of me. There has been me, my inner me and there has been this outer shell, the me people see. I never really realized how much of a disconnect there was between the two until yesterday. When i felt my inner me melting into my body, it was like they wanted to join together. I felt at home in my body, a new feeling for me. It was weird and cool at the same time. It gives me hope that I am on the right path to being a whole person.
Today was the first time I experienced hearing for myself someone laughing at me for my gender. Later, I realized that the reason for the laughter was probably not at all what I had thought. How I experienced it in the moment was very real though, and it was the first chance I have had to see my reaction.
My initial reaction was anger and if truth be told, some of that old shame creeping back in. I considered both, and neither felt right to me. Just having the presence to recognize and test my reactions is pretty new and really cool for me.
I thought about the reaction I would want to have. I am normally a nice person and people react well to that, for the most part, so I thought, just be myself and they will probably react well. Maybe they will see that being trans changes nothing and maybe their opinion of trans people could change because of their interactions with me.
I am quite proud of this reasoning and very proud that I stuck to it the rest of the day. I will probably never know for sure if the laughter was because of my transition, and I may never know if being myself changed any opinions, but I am happy I didn’t react with anger or hide with shame. I am becoming happier and happier to just be me.