It hasn’t been an easy year for me so far. I haven’t written here since March and that wasn’t a positive post, to say the least. A week after that post I was back in hospital. I assumed it would be like the other times and they would keep me a day or two and send me home. If that had happened, that would have been the end of me. On my third day there a mishap caused major water damage to another ward. Because they had to make room in the other already over crowded wards, I was sent to a transitional unit. A wonderful nurse that was working that night helped me so much. He made sure I was assigned to a doctor who has been a great fit for me. The staff and atmosphere at this unit was such a good and fortunate thing for me. I was there a few weeks and through another quirk of fate, my doctor ended up at my community MH office so I have continued working with her. It is only for a short while, but it has been good for me. Last week I started DBT and WRAP. Life is still a struggle but at least my support team seems to have more hope for me. I am slowly getting back into the world, also. More updates to come, there are some other exciting possibilities coming up soon for me.
I feel like I need to write something, but I don’t know what. I need to feel some connection to something other than depression and darkness. I am so tired.
I saw my GP on Thursday. She is a wonderful person and I know she is worried about me. I hate that I am such a burden. Just before I left her office she told me something that meant so much. She let me know what she thinks of me as a person. It isn’t often that I am a person to someone else. Most of the time I am a patient or client. This means a very controlled one way relationship with no chance to be real. It has its place, but it makes me feel even more isolated to have no real relationships.
Something in me snapped a few weeks ago. On my son’s birthday, I gave up. I have been fighting this darkness for a long time and I just couldn’t anymore. I have given up. I quit my meds that weekend. The doctors think that is the cause of me getting worse, I think it is a symptom. I reached the point where I can’t see a purpose to fight anymore.
I know I have been a pain in the ass to a lot of people. I am sorry. I don’t mean to be. I was desparate for help. I wanted a reason to keep going and haven’t been able to find one.
I currently have only two significant relationships in my life. They are both professionals, my GP and my therapist. I have no personal relationships. I am afraid of relationships, I know how bad I mess them up and how bad I feel when I do. I see my GP every week for a half hour and my therapist for an hour, that is less than 1% of my week. Work consumes roughly 24% of my week so that leaves 75% of my week where I am completely alone. To look at it another way, I spend 24% of my time to earn the money to just survive 75% of the time while I wait for the 1% of my time that matters at all to me. Lately I have spent a good deal of the 75% of my time wondering why I bother at all. Is it really worth it to keep fighting with myself and keep holding on just so I can go to work and make my appointments each week?
Tomorrow is my enemy. Today has been no walk in the park, but I managed to get to work. Once my day has started, I somehow manage to break it into chunks that can be survived. I have made it to lunch, now I just have to make it to the end of work. After that I just have to make it home, then dinner, then to bedtime. It isn’t always easy, but it is mostly manageable. Tomorrow is another story, though. Tomorrow is always frightening and overwhelming. I don’t even know if I will be able to get out of bed. I am not sure why, but tomorrow can never be split into manageable pieces. Tomorrow is always this big huge task that hovers just over the horizon. It is dark and scary and full of the unknown. The unknown is never good either! The promises tomorrow holds will surely be the end of me. Tomorrow scares me, I know I can’t defeat all the tomorrows. I guess I am safe, though as long as the enemy is always tomorrow. I know I am in real trouble when today becomes the enemy that I can’t manage.
Some would say I am lucky, I have managed to find and keep a job. It doesn’t pay much but it pays the rent. In a few weeks I will be through my probation period and have benefits. Keeping the job has been a struggle. Finding help while working is a bigger struggle. It seems the mental health system is only geared towards people who do not work a traditional Monday to Friday schedule. Outpatient services, a lot of private counsellors and most support groups are only available while I am working. If I were on social assistance, I would be able to access these services but I wouldn’t have the money to pay rent and eat. Now I have the money for these neccessities, barely, and I have to worry about keeping my job without the services that might improve my quality of life. It seems the health care system would be interested in helping people who need it and have jobs. Why not help before it becomes a crisis that makes working impossible? I can’t be the only one struggling with this, can I? Is the health care system only there to cater to its employees or is it there to serve the needs of the patients? Right now I have to choose between work and services that may help me if they ever receive proper funding. Work wins out, it is more reliable than the current healthcare system and it provides for basic survival.
A smile is always on my face, the tears are all on the inside.
I care more for others than myself, because I don’t like who I am.
I am a model employee, I couldn’t stand for someone to see my imperfections.
I am a great listener, it is so much easier than talking about myself.
I am always ready with a joke, it deflects attention away from my real issues.
I am always willing to help, helping others is the only worth I see in myself.
The last few weeks have pointed out the difference between worry and anxiety to me. Right now I am dealing with both and they both suck.
I have felt really on edge the last several weeks. It feels like my fight or flight response is stuck in overdrive. I am not sure exactly when or how it started and most of the time there is no reason for it.
My response was to figure out the cause and fix it. Because financial security has been on my mind, I impulsively applied for a full time job last week. By the end of the week, they had offered me the job on the condition that my references are ok.
Now I see that financial security was a worry. I have almost found a solution for the worry, but in the process have added a couple more worries. Now I have to worry about the reference checks and whether I am able to work full time again.
The whole time all of this has been happening, I still have that uneasy feeling. I can see now that it is not related to anything in particular. It is just a general ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen. This is my anxiety. My one big hope right now is that the job will work out and full time work will help at least distract me from this anxiety for 8 hours a day.