I don’t have a particularly large head as far as I can tell. I have never had to get hats custom made nor do I have trouble pulling shirts or sweaters over my noggin. It amazes me that so many people can reside in this average size head. On any day there can be a number of people from my past telling me what to do, or more accurately, what I am not capable of doing.
The last few weeks I have seen some of my dreams getting closer to reality. This is the first time in many years I have allowed myself to get excited about the future. When it was just dreams and vague plans it was great, but now that it is getting real, a couple of those people from my past have emerged. They tell me how much I don’t deserve to be happy and they tell me that I will just screw this up like everything else.
The truth is, I don’t screw everything up. Of course I have messed up but of course I have gotten some things right as well. I have been told that this is not so uncommon for humans. This is what my logical voice in my head tells me, I am more likely to do well and be happy than not.
I wish it was as easy as listening to that encouraging voice and maybe it is, but I have not mastered that yet. In my head the mean voices get louder. The more I don’t hear them or don’t pay attention, the louder they get. The main owner of that screaming voice was every bit like that. He made sure he was heard and made sure I knew how worthless I was.
The only thing I can do for now is ignore this voice and push through. My hope is that one day I can get that voice to stop yelling. I hate being yelled at, but somehow I expect everyone I know to eventually yell at me. When I am yelled at I am transported to a different time and place somehow. My reaction is never good and is normally something I will regret when I calm down, but in the moment I have no idea how to control it. Auto pilot takes over and steers me in the direction it thinks will keep me safe, I am just along for the ride.
Life with all these past voices and experiences shaping my present and future really sucks. How do I get them to stop yelling at me?