When I was a kid, I took care of myself as much as I could. Each year I spent more and more time away from home. As a teen I worked at a summer camp and spent all of summer break there. During the school year I was hardly home at all, I stayed busy evenings and weekends. Everyone told me how mature I was.
Right after high school graduation I went into the Navy. That is how I put myself through University. I never moved back home after that. I haven’t always done the best job, but I have been taking care of myself since I was a teen. I have always been very social but I haven’t needed anyone else. If I couldn’t do it for myself I didn’t do it.
The last few years that has all come undone. That pisses me off and scares me. I can’t live my life by myself anymore. I am not doing a good job taking care of myself and I really suck at asking for help. On January 13 of this year I tried to take my own life. It almost worked. That is the only solution I see to my life and I am really close to trying again.
I have asked for help but I don’t think I have done it right. It is hard for me to admit I can’t do it myself. It is hard for me to trust that someone else will actually help me.
Since January I have been surviving. A job I don’t really like at least keeps me distracted during the weekdays. Work was the only time I was distracted enough not to have to fight for my survival. Now even when I am at work I am thinking about killing myself.
If I can’t even take care of myself what is the point of living.
Sorry I am not more cheerful. I thought writing might help get some of this out. I am not doing too good at finding someone to talk to about this or talking about it.