FML

When I was a kid, I took care of myself as much as I could.  Each year I spent more and more time away from home.  As a teen I worked at a summer camp and spent all of summer break there.  During the school year I was hardly home at all, I stayed busy evenings and weekends.  Everyone told me how mature I was.

Right after high school graduation I went into the Navy.  That is how I put myself through University.  I never moved back home after that.  I haven’t always done the best job, but I have been taking care of myself since I was a teen.  I have always been very social but I haven’t needed anyone else.  If I couldn’t do it for myself I didn’t do it.
The last few years that has all come undone.  That pisses me off and scares me.  I can’t live my life by myself anymore.  I am not doing a good job taking care of myself and I really suck at asking for help.  On January 13 of this year I tried to take my own life.  It almost worked.  That is the only solution I see to my life and I am really close to trying again.  

I have asked for help but I don’t think I have done it right.  It is hard for me to admit I can’t do it myself.  It is hard for me to trust that someone else will actually help me.  
Since January I have been surviving.  A job I don’t really like at least keeps me distracted during the weekdays.  Work was the only time I was distracted enough not to have to fight for my survival.  Now even when I am at work I am thinking about killing myself.  
If I can’t even take care of myself what is the point of living. 
Sorry I am not more cheerful.  I thought writing might help get some of this out.  I am not doing too good at finding someone to talk to about this or talking about it.  

Advertisements