The last few weeks have pointed out the difference between worry and anxiety to me. Right now I am dealing with both and they both suck.
I have felt really on edge the last several weeks. It feels like my fight or flight response is stuck in overdrive. I am not sure exactly when or how it started and most of the time there is no reason for it.
My response was to figure out the cause and fix it. Because financial security has been on my mind, I impulsively applied for a full time job last week. By the end of the week, they had offered me the job on the condition that my references are ok.
Now I see that financial security was a worry. I have almost found a solution for the worry, but in the process have added a couple more worries. Now I have to worry about the reference checks and whether I am able to work full time again.
The whole time all of this has been happening, I still have that uneasy feeling. I can see now that it is not related to anything in particular. It is just a general ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen. This is my anxiety. My one big hope right now is that the job will work out and full time work will help at least distract me from this anxiety for 8 hours a day.
I reached a milestone in my transition last week that I didn’t expect. The last 7 or 8 months have been focused almost entirely on my health and survival. Of course I think about my transition, but I am at a point now where it isn’t a focus. I am female and that’s it. The only time being trans has been an issue is in the health system, where some people seem to be less educated about it.
The medication I am on now has fewer side effects, which is great, but it does make me sleepy and I have very vivid dreams. Last week in one of those dreams I was staying in a beautiful old building. It was huge, with three stories, marble floors, stained glass and old oak railings and steps. This building was the housing for the Canadian Olympic team and I was somehow on the team. The coolest part of all this was that I was a female athlete!
This was the first time I remember being female in my dreams. After pretending to be male for 40 some years, I think my brain must have been conditioned to dream of myself the way I lived my everyday life. Now my dreams are starting to match the reality of who I am.
Needless to say, I woke up happy and thouroghly confused about how I managed to get into the Olympics. With so many negative things happening in my life lately, this was a nice and unexpected boost.