Stigma

So far I have made it through another week.  Two days ago, I wouldn’t have given good odds on my being here today to write this.  I am so tired of just making it through each day.  I want to feel like I am actually living each day.  Maybe I would be happier if there wasn’t a part of me that knows that I could feel better than I do right now?
  The biggest accomplishment for me this week was an interview with social assistance.  I think it went well and hopefully I will have some income soon.  An advocate from a local nonprofit organization went with me.  Having the support, even just as a cheerleader made it easier.  Not being able to work and relying on social assistance has brought up some unanticipated feelings, though.
   My father was a conservative southern republican.  His views on social assistance were not kind to the people who need it.  I haven’t really thought about that in years and years.  My views and his have obviously always been miles apart.  I can only imagine what he would have to say if he were to learn that his only son is, in fact, a daughter who is not able to work because of mental illness.  
   Anyway, while I was growing up I often heard his take on anyone who couldn’t work.  I heard how mental illness is not real in his eyes and how anyone could just suck it up and work if they really wanted to.  This week I have found myself thinking his thoughts about me.  I have never thought that about anyone else, but I am applying his standards and his stigmas to myself.  It really sucks but I can’t seem to convince myself otherwise.  I feel so ashamed for being how I am and not being able to work or be productive.  On top of that, I am ashamed for sharing in any part of my fathers conservative views, even if they are just applied to me.  
  All this coupled with extremely dissapointing news about DBT treatment has made this one of the tougher weeks for me.  I think I will probably just hide at home this weekend to try to recharge for week ahead.  I really just want to be halfway normal and be able to find some joy in my life.  I hope I can get there someday before I destroy myself.

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