Too Many Changes

I have lived with my BPD and depression for many years without looking for help.  I am honestly not too sure how I survived, but I have made it so far.  Now that I am looking for help and being honest about how messed up my life is, I can’t see going back to suffering in silence.  Being open about it is leading to changes and right now they are pretty hard to take.
This week and last I am facing the fact that I am not totally sure when I will be able to work full time again.  Before I opened up, I was not being fair to my employers.  I knew there were times they were not getting what they paid for because I wasn’t capable of concentrating and doing a good job.  I was always worried they would find out and fire me, so I would leave before that could happen.  This is the longest I have been unemployed since I graduated from University, though and it is a strange place to be in.  I feel so useless and unproductive.  At least when I had a job, I was forced to get up, shower and dress to go be unproductive.  Now I can do it unshowered from the comfort of my own bed.  I don’t like it at all.
  No job also means I will have to rely on employment insurance or income assistance.  I know this is a legitimate use of these, but I still feel like a useless burden.  The limited income will mean moving to subsidized housing.  There is nothing to be ashamed of in any of this, my illnesses are very real, very crippling and very much a threat to my existence right now, but I can’t help but think I am taking resources someone more deserving needs.  
  This really sucks when all I wanted was good counselling and help with my depression and BPD.  Unfortunately this is the help I can’t find.  I struggling to find a reason to keep going.  Without this help I could be a burden to others for a while, and what is the point of that?  There is a huge battle going on in my mind most of the time now and depression seems to be turning it’s foothold into a stronghold.  

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