I Know

I know that how I feel isn’t necessarily a reflection of reality.  I know I have no reason to believe my GP is actually tired of me and will tell me to find a new doctor when I see her Monday.  I know going to the spot I dream of ending my life at isn’t a healthy coping strategy.  I know dreaming of ending my life isn’t healthy.  I know I should eat better.  I know I should exercise more.  I know I should go outside more than 2 or 3 times a week.  

What else do I know?

I know how I feel is absolutely my rrality right now.  I know I cry worrying about the only health professional who listens to me leaving me.  I know the spot I dream of ending my life at calms my mind.  I know dreaming of ending my life brings me peace.  I know I don’t have the motivation to eat better.  I know I don’t  have the energy to exercise.  I know going outside even 2 days a week is an accomplishment right now and more than 3 is next to impossible.  

It may not look like much to anyone else, but I am trying really hard.  I know what everyone says I need to do and I know what I am up to.  I am doing more than I am up to right now.  Without help, this is the best I can do and the fact that I am still alive must mean I am doing something right?

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2 thoughts on “I Know

  1. You ARE doing something right, everyday may seem like a decade at the moment but it will slowly get better. & don’t worry, I’m convinced that my GP and MH worker secretly hate me and want to get rid of me… Stay strong!

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