This Disease Feeds Itself

I don’t think it is any secret that the last couple of weeks have been tough for me.  My depression has taken over again and I am struggling.  I just got off a long phone call that made it more clear how this disease feeds itself and I wanted to write about it while it is fresh on my mind.  Maybe rereading it will even help me in another hour when it has taken over again, because I am certain it will.
There is a post on Facebook called “I brushed my hair today.”  If you haven’t seen it and want to understand more about depression, I would recommend reading it.  
I have kept quite about my depression for way too long.  That has made it worse, but that is one of the ways it feeds itself.  Shame and isolation just serves to deepen it.  It is really insiduous that way.  If shame itself isn’t enough to isolate me, depression makes everyday tasks seem herculean at times.  Finding the energy and motivation to shower or brush my teeth can take hours and hours or even days sometimes.  How could I face anyone if basic hygiene seems so daunting?  That just makes me feel worse about myself which again just worsens the depression.
Today my depression has me questioning whether I deserve to ask for the help I need.  I am in dire need of help right now.  I know the professional I need to talk to tomorrow and I know she would not tell me to stop bugging her even if she thought I was.  I don’t think she has ever thought that, though.  What my mind is telling me tonight is that I am expecting too much.  I shouldn’t ask for the help I need at this time.  I have received help in the past and it is unreasonable to look for it again.  I need to do this on my own this time.  I have no right to ask for help.  I am not worthy of receiving help.
The truth is, what I need to ask for is not unreasonable.  The help I am seeking is impossible for me to do on my own at this moment.  I am fought out and need a little outside support to help me get back on my feet.  The truth is, I can ask for help.  I have always had trouble asking for help and I wouldn’t be asking unless it was absolutely necessary.  
Depression causes me to believe the lies that keeps me stuck in the depression.  Right now that seems so clear.  I am glad someone took the time and effort to point it out to me tonight.  I also know myself well enough to know that no matter how clear it is at this particular moment, by tomorrow it will mot be clear.  All that will ne clear tomorrow is that I am not worth the help and it would be selfish to ask for it.  Tomorrow all that will be clear are the lies depression fills my mind with.  
If you feel you should stay silent, don’t believe it.  If you feel you aren’t worthy of help, don’t believe it.  I know it isn’t always that easy.  I am there too.  When those lies are the only clear thing in my mind tomorrow, I will read this and try to take my own advice.  


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