You Look Fine

In the past week I have been told this by two different hospitals.  I hate hearing this and let my nurse know about it Sunday morning.  Ok, maybe losing my shit was not the most productive thing.  I was in a very emotional state and locked in a observation unit at the time though. Maybe yelling at her is understandable even if it was not the right thing to do.

   My MH team has told me the same thing, ” you look fine.”  What I now hear when someone tells me that is”we are not going to do anything to help you.”  That is what it has meant, really.  I have not figured out how mental illness can be diagnosed by looking at someone.  I wish I knew what BPD or depression looks like.  Maybe I could put on the right look to get help.  
   I wish they would at least talk to me before diagnosing me.  Or look at my track record, it has not been good the last couple of weeks.  If my MH team had listened to me 2 months ago I may not be in the crises I am in now.  I was doing better then but I knew I needed help before it went downhill again.  I told them that and they said “it looks like you are doing good.”  I wonder if all of these professionals would think I looked good when I was standing on the bridge for 2 hours contemplating ending my life?  
    I have said it before, I think looking good is the definition of highly functioning for someone with mental illness.  It in no way means they have their shit together or they do not need help and support.  At least it does not for me.
P.S.  One fun note from my last hospital stay:   Saturday at dinner I started feeling a little sick.  I had eaten half of the food on my tray and left it at the table for no more than 5 minutes to get up and walk a little.  When I came back, a young girl was eating my blueberry cake.  That was the only part of the meal that looked good.  I was pissed but polite.

Monday morning at breakfast, that same girl sat with me to eat.  No mention was made of my cake.  It turned out she was a super nice person and we chatted and even shared our food with each other.  We had a lovely morning together and a nice hug as I was leaving.  I was able to sincerely wish her the best.  She turned out to be the best part of my stay there.


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