I Went to the Bridge Today

This is the place I have been afraid of.  It reminds of a dark dark time.  I have nightmares about this spot. The only time I can stand thinking about this spot is when the darkness closes in again.  The fears are gone then.  My mind is already in the place I fear.  The bridge can not drag my mind any place it has not ventured to on its own.  Now the bridge is not so dark.  From this spot I can see the white capped mountains.  I can see the ships that meant freedom and adventure in my youth.  I can look straight down at the water and watch the hypnotic shapes.  Shapes that look like a pattern floating by.  Shapes that are just a random pattern of the light in the ripples.  They do not look so random though.  They look like they were put there, some part of a child’s kaleidscope flowing under me to calm me.  The whole scene is peaceful.  Ocean smells, a nice breeze and the sun on my skin, hypnotising sights, the sound of waves lapping and just the hint of the taste of salt.  It is mesmerizing for all of my senses.  My mind has not found this relief in weeks.  The storm that has been raging has calmed to match the ripples on the water below.  That is why I came here today.  The calm I have so desperately cried for has been here all along.  In the one place that scares me more than any other, there is peace.  I want this peace forever.  If I walk away from this spot, the storm will return.  It is waiting at either end of the bridge for me.  My only comfort is here.  Walking away from here scares me.  If I leave here I will be going back into the darkness.  By the time I set foot on solid ground the storm will be in full force again.  Those beautiful shapes will have disappeared.  Maybe if I fly down to the water like a gull I can be at peace forever.  One with the shapes and the beauty.  Is it that easy to outrun the storm?  It isn’t today.  I still have some fight left in me.  Not much, but enough to try again.  Enough to walk back into the storm.  Enough to resist the calling of the lights and ripples one more time.  I have to try again to find that peace in this world.  It is not easy to walk away from here but I will.  Once again this will turn into the spot I fear.  The few minutes of peace it gave me let me see I do still have the strength to fight, even if a hard wind might knock me down forever.  It is a fight I must face once again.  The bruises and scars are still fresh.  I know what I am in for but I have to try one more time as I leave the spot that will still be with me in my nightmares.

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