I am not really in the mood to write this evening, but I thought it might help. For the last couple of weeks my mood has been dropping. I was so optimistic when I left the hospital. I thought ( and I honestly think my doctor really believed) that I would have great support in the community. I have not felt like that support has been there. Maybe I am expecting too much?
So here is my weekend so far. I was feeling really low yesterday so I called my case manager for support. She wss away but they put me through to someone covering for her. I told him I was really low and needed support. I told him my suicidal thoughts were strong. He said “life is sweet.” I said “my life sucks.” He laughed at me! I got off the phone quickly and cried for an hour. I cried because of him but mostly I cried because I am asking for help and not finding it.
Yesterday afternoon I went to the ER. I did not feel safe at home alone so this seemed like a good option. The ER was very busy but at least I was in a safe place. After waiting 4 hours, I talked to the medical doctor. I realized it would be another long wait to talk to psych so I asked him if I could just go to AAC. That is part of the hospital and they are the main contact point for accessing mental health outpatient services. They are open 24/7 to help people as well.
A half hour later I was at AAC. It did not take long to talk to someone either. We had a great talk and I asked for them to call me each day this weekend just to check in. That is a service they offer and she said they would be happy to.
It is now Saturday at 7:30 and I have not heard from them at all.
The thoughts that no one cares and I will never get better are quite common for me. My experiences with the mental health system here since the hospital at least serve to provide reinforcement to those thoughts.