It looks like spring has finally arrived. It is supposed to be sunny and warm right through the weekend, which is a long weekend here. It feels like we have not had more than two sunny days in a row for months. This is great news for anyone whose mood is weather dependent, but I think there is a common misconception that all depression is helped by sunny weather. Speaking for myself, it can actually exascerbate my depression.
This week is a good example of that. These sunny days are starting just when my mood happens to be at a very low point. I had a very tense meeting with my doctor and case manager on Monday. I left feeling not completely heard or understood. Long weekends are particularly lonely for me and last weekend I hid at home all day alone for my birthday. This has all added to a mood that has been dropping the last couple of weeks.
Now that I know the weather is turning nice, in my mind that means the entire rest of the city will be outside with people they care about enjoying activities together. A walk to the store or a trip to the library will only confirm these feelings. Everyone I see will be happy and enjoying life. Of course that is probably not reality, but it is my reality. I am glad they are happy, but I can not imagine me ever being that happy again.
This has not always been my reality. It may not be now if I had not been so “highly functional” for years. Instead of hiding my true feelings, I could have talked to someone and looked for help before it got as bad as it is now. I can not change the past, I can only hope I can get help moving forward. Maybe a spring will come when I look forward to spending sunny days in the park or at the beach with my friends.