Self Advocate 

Today I have another meeting with my case manager and doctor.  It has been almost two months since I left hospital and this will just be the third time I have met with them.  The first was split into two different appointments, but that was just to accomodate my doctor.  He had a dental emergency on the day of our first meeting.  I count those two appointments as one meeting, it was just the “get to know each other” meeting.  I feel most of our first two meetings were focused on gender.  I wanted to say something last time, but I was worried about how it would come out.  I am not good at bringing these things up without rehearsing them to myself before hand.
Yesterday was my rehearsal day for today.  I spent most of the day having today’s conversation in my mind.  I really want to advocate for myself, but I do not feel I am good at it.  Once the emotions start I can not control them and it just ends up sounding like an angry rant.  Afterwards, when I am calmer, I can always think of how I could have said it better.  Today is a very impprtant meeting for me and I need to get it right or at least get across how important it is for me.
It has been a month since our last meeting.  I left that one feeling very discouraged.  I talked to a health navigator that works for the local health authorities’ trans program.  They were supposed to discuss it with my case manager last week.  I am not sure if that happened but I hope so.  That would make my job much easier.  
The most ironic thing is that what I need to ask them for is what would make it easier to ask them.  One of the things with BPD is that I feel emotions intensely and regulating them is not easy.  I need help with this and I have known I do for a while, even if I did not have the BPD label to put on it.  I am hoping my case manager can help locate a person or group that can provide this help.  Asking for the help is difficult because of these runaway emotions though.  That is one reason I have never asked before and just kept it to myself.
I think the other thing I am going to talk to them about is my meds.  I am not happy with the side effects and I have never wanted meds to be the only help I get.  Since leaving hospital I have not been able to find any other help.  From everything I have read, meds are not a treatment for BPD.  They can help with some symptoms and with the depression and anxiety.  I do not not want something that just helps the symptoms, though.  Helping the symptoms while getting therapy to treat the problem is great, but that has not happened.  
Wish me luck today.  Hopefully I will have some good news to post by the middle of the week.


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