We all make hundreds of them each day. What to wear, what to eat, go to work or not, shower or bath or neither, bus, cab, drive or walk? A lot of them do not require much thought some days. I walk to the skytrain station when I need to go downtown. The decision requires very little energy most days, but sometimes when the weather is especially bad, I do struggle with the decision. Maybe catching the bus would be better today. The walk is good for me and helps my mood. Maybe the weather really is not as bad as it seems or maybe it is worse.
That is just one example of how a seemingly easy decision can turn into a dilema.
There is one daily decision I make that, until recently, I thought most people faced as well. Now I know it is not as common as I thought. It is not something most people would talk about though so how was I to know?
At some point in each and every day I have to decide whether my life is worth living or not. I do not mean in some philosophical way or whether I should change careers, I mean do I want to continue living? Most days it is an easy decision, but the days it is not so easy stand out more. They are very difficult days filled with internal arguments and rationalizations. No matter how few these days are, they seem to be plentiful just because of the energy they consume and the impression they leave on me.
Recently I have realized that most of my arguments on these bad days have nothing to do with me. Instead of thinking about what I have to live for, I invariably imagine how my sudden disapearance would inconveniece someone else. I do not even imagine anyone would care beyond the trouble it would cause them.
Right now I have one library book at home and two more on hold. Why should I make someone wait for these books if I disappeared without a trace? It would be awful if it turned out the doctors and nurses that have helped me were wasting their time. Who else could have been a better use of their time? Do I cancel upcoming appointments so someone else can fill the slot? If I do cancel, they may figure out something is up and try to stop me.
I find it easy to show others compassion, even people I have never met. Finding anything compassionate worthy in myself is more difficult. Until I can find my own reasons to go on each day, the best I can do is stay here for others. I do not conciously choose to think about this each day. I wish I did not, but the question is always there. The answer to the question is the only thing I can control right now, so for now I just have to be content that when tomorrow gets here, I will still be around to answer the question for another day.