When I left hospital I was planning a graduated return to work after a break of a couple of weeks.  Two days before I was scheduled to return I messaged my supervisor to confirm the details of my return.  She messaged back and let me know my position had been filled while I was on medical leave and that I would not be returning.  I had not heard from her in two months, this was the first time she had informed me I did not work there anymore.
I have since worked a couple of days for a temp agencyl and spent the rest of the time at home.  When I left hospital I had the impression that my treatment would continue as an outpatient.  I figured having free time would make it easier to schedule these appointments.  Turns out it only consists of a half hour meeting once a month just to check in.  That is very dissapointing and leaves me with plenty of free time.  That free time is turning into a problem now.  It is easy for me to get down on myself when I am not doing anything productive.  When I start getting down, it is hard to motivate myself to do anything productive.  What a vicous cycle!
There are a couple of prijects I want to start.  I plan to take this weekend off and on Monday morning try to start being productive again.  I want to schedule my day and set my alarm and treat it like any other job.  I am not good at self discipline so this weekend I will physically write a schedule.  That usually helps me get things done.  
No matter how big or small the accomplishments are, my hope is that being productive will help lift my mood.  It may even help me find some purpose and regain some self confidence.  That is a lot to ask.  I would like to say I would be happy with any improvement but I know myself too well to make that claim.  Any improvement will be a benefit to me even if my perfectionist self longs for more and quicker improvements.  


3 thoughts on “Productivity

  1. That is shocking Jodi, I’m so sorry! I hope it just means the way is clear for a better job in a much more supportive environment. 💕 Have you scheduled in exercise, when I had PND (kinda blended into the other depression but with added anxiety lol) I made myself leave the house everyday, just with the intention of walking round the block each day, and that grew until I was able to get to the shops/park/parent’s group… take care, thinking about you


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