Highly Functioning

On my next to last Friday in the hospital I received a new diagnosis from the doctor.  She asked if I knew what Borderline Personality Disorder is, then read the criteria to me.  It seemed to fit and I was more than a little impressed that she had actually been paying attention to what I was saying for the last month.  She had sifted through all the conversations and came up with a diagnosis that seemed to fit better than any I had received so far.  That was the only positive I could immediately see from this.
Accurate or not, this seemed like something bad.  A mood disorder is something I can understand.  Everyone has a bad mood every now and then, mine just lasts longer.  A personality disorder seemed more personal.  It seemed like something inherently wrong with me.  
I have since educated myself and know better. (I already knew a mood disorder is not the same as a brief bad mood but my internal talk will not always acknowledge that). I now see that having an accurate diagnosis just helps me get the proper treatment.  I would have preferred not to get the diagnosis on a Friday though.  I would not see her again until Monday, so I had all weekend to live with questions and worries having free reign in my mind with no good answers.
On Monday durung our discussion, the doctor told me that I had been highly functioning for a BPD sufferer.  I guess it appears that way outwardly.  A trip through my mind would resemble Indiana Jones going through the Temple of Doom, though.  Maybe I should have been an actor.  Apparently that is what highly functioning means.  I can appear calm, collected and normal while inside the poison darts are flying, rocks are tumbling on me and parts of my mind are booby trapped and intent on my destruction.  These are not exagerations either, there is so much going on up there and I can never escape it.  It follows me everywhere. 
Now that I understand more about BPD I can see it is not necessarily a life sentence.  There are ways to treat it and minimize the symptoms.  It is important to me to remember to drop the masks I have been wearing for years though.  It is not easy but it is necessary if I want the most effective treatments.  If I convince everyone I am ok and highly functioning, I will always have to fight my battle alone.  In public I will continue to wear the masks that have served me so well, but my doctors should get a leather jacket and bullwhip, because I have to let them into the temple.


2 thoughts on “Highly Functioning

  1. Ah Jodi, finally for you to know what’s been going on – now the only way is up. I’m proud of you (if that’s okay to say) for going through all this and coming out on top. Sending you virtual love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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