My Note From March 1

We know nothing of tomorrow;

our business is to be good and happy today.

-Sydney Smith, Lady Holland’s Memoir

Things are looking a little better.  All of the things I have been working on with the doctors and in the groups are starting to take upp as many of my thoughts as suicide.  I have not scratched or cut my arms in weeks, either.  These in themselves are major things for me right now.
My family doctor visited today.  It was so nice to see someone from outside of the hospital.  She gave me a hug and patted my back.  As sad as it may sound, this is the first time I have been touched by anyone in almost a month.  It helps me feel more real in a way I guess.  I also received messages from the loveliest couple I know in Vancouver.  They are very supportive and caring.
I know when I get depressed I push people away and isolate myself.  This makes the depression worse and makes me feel uncared for.  It is mostly my own choices, but I blame it on everyone else.  I am starting to see that these actions are the depression and anxiety taking control of my thoughts and feelings.
Recovery will not be an easy thing but maybe it is possible.  In here it seems it may be anyway.  I am not sure if the positive thoughts will stand the test of time when I go back to the “real world.”
Speaking of the real world, my doctor wants me to try going home just to check on things this weekend.  That is a big step and very scary.  


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