My Note From Feb 27

Sunsets, like childhood, are viewed with wonder not just because they are beautiful but because they are fleeting.

-Richard Paul Evans, The Gift


I made it through another weekend.  It was a tough one, three weeks here and no phone calls or visits from anyone.  My GP said she would visit but did not come or call.  It really got me down and I spent all day Sunday just sitting in my room in the dark.  I feel so disposable.  Work has already replaced me even though they are not supposed to because I am on medical leave.  My boss did not even let me know, a co-worker texted.  Since I am not working I can not afford to pay my counsellor so she has forgotten about me.  I hate being all alone in this world but I get scared to reach out to anyone because I have trouble dealing with disappointment.
I have found that jigsaw puzzles help quite a bit with my anxiety.  There is a big table in the back of the TV room to work them on.  It keeps my mind occupied and I do not have to try to make small talk but there are still people around, which I like.  On days like Sunday though it is hard to be around happy people with their visitors.  I am glad they can be so happy, I just can not picture myself ever being like that.
I went to the bookstore Saturday to get a sweatshirt to wear around the ward instead of the pajama top.  I feel like everyone knows that no one cares to visit and that is why I can not get any clothes from the outside.  I would feel a little better if I did not have to wear the pajama top.  Well, on Saturday the bookstore was closed for inventory and they are normally closed on Sunday, so I went back today.  I bought a sweatshirt and then when I got back and put it on I found a big hole in the seam of the arm.  I will have to go back tomorrow to exchange it.  That just seems to be how my luck runs.  It takes three trips and four days just to get a shirt to wear.

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