My Note From Feb 24

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

-Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

It’s Friday evening, which in here means another long weekend to try and fill the time.  My psychiatrist and psychologist have both given me homework to read and write which will help with the boredom.  I am starting to talk more with some of the other patients, too.  For this weekend I have unlimited 30 minute passes, a one hour pass each day and a two hour accompanied pass in case someone decides to visit, which has not happened in the last two and a half weeks.
Since I do not have anyone to bring me extra clothes I have been in hospital pajamas except when I go out for the longer passes.  This week the doctor told me about a group that will provide clothes to patients.  Today I got a pair of track pants and a tee shirt so I do not have to wear the pajamas all the time.
A lot of things that would not seem like a big deal outside of here really are a big deal now.  Going out on longer passes is a major source of anxiety but it is also building my confidence.  Having clothes is helping me be a bit less self-concious about not having anyone “on the outside” to help me out.
The best thing that happened this week was getting a message from a friend asking if I want to get together for a coffee.  That gave me a little hope that one day I can have a halfway decent life.  One of my homework assignments is to write what my dream life would be.  That one is causing me a ton of anxiety because I can not imagine any of it coming true.  It just feels like I am setting myself up for dissapointment again and that gets harder and harder to handle.  Sometimes when I look at how hard recovery is going to be, I still wish with all my heart I could have jumped off the bridge before the police stopped me.


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