My Note From Feb 20

We had nothing to do and nothing to say.

We were nearing the end of a dismal day,

THEN

Daddy felk into the pond!

And everyone’s face grew merry and bright,

And Timothy danced for sheer delight.

-Alfred Noyes, “Daddy Fell into the Pond”


I have gone for my 30 minute breaks the last two days in a row.  It may sound silly, but this has been a big deal for me.  I left the safety of my pajamas and ventured back into the real world.  Both days I was very happy to get back to my room on the ward.  I had a strong urge to run away yesterday when I had time to think about it, so today I didn’t give myself time to think.  If I satay busy with errands it is easier.  I think what scares me most right now is life after the hospital.  I can’t picture me having any kind of life worth living and not being in a safe hospital scares me.
I am starting to see that I am not alone in how I think.  The group sessions have been good for that.  
None of the staff here know it, but I started a plan to kill myself as soon as I arrived.  Those first days here they checked on me every 15 minutes, day and night.  In between checks I managed to make a reasonably strong makeshift rope.  I won’t say how because I don’t like giving the details to anyone else, but it was a pretty ingenious and crafty project.  Since before I went to solitary confinement, I have had this rope hidden in my room.  I am certain they are strong enough and after confinement I tried to hang myself in my room.  There wasn’t anything to tie it that would work so I just managed to choke myself a bit.  It wasn’t even enough for me to black out.  Then I had to hurry and hide the rope before the next check by the nurse.
During my breaks I have found a spot outside behind the building that would work at night.  I am totally certain I wouldn’t be found in time andit is my back up plan.  It may sound morbid and sad, but it helps me a lot to know it’s here.  Thoughts of ending my life are still a comfort to me.

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