My Note From Feb. 11

When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

-Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit


I tried to jump off a bridge. Obviously it didn’t work, I am here to write this.  I wish with all my heart that it would have worked.  A police officer snuck up behind me and handcuffed me before I could get over the railing.  If I had been allowed to jump, the pain would be over.  I don’t think I will ever know what it means to become Real.  I don’t think anyone will ever love me.  I don’t think I am worthy of real love and I don’t think I would know how to receive it.

Quote and picture from coloring book

Background

I have recently had some mental health challenges and was hospitalized a few times. All were for pretty brief stints except this last one.  I have spent a good deal of time in a mood disorders unit at UBC.  My diagnosis is Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety.  While here, I am using a coloring book to help pass time, distract myself during anxious times, and practice mindfulness. I am writing blog posts by hand in the coloring book and will transcribe them here.  In some of the posts I will include the coloring book quote on the page I wrote the post on, and I plan to photograph some of the completed pictures to add to the posts as well.  
Please understand that these posts will include talk about suicide and self harm as well as anxiety and depression.  If any of these are triggers for you, please don’t read. 
I went to the ER on Monday, Feb. 6 on the insistence of my family doctor.  I was transferred to the UBC unit on the afternoon of Tuesday, Feb. 7.

Background

I have recently had some mental health challenges and was hospitalized a few times. All were for pretty brief stints except this last one.  I have spent a good deal of time in a mood disorders unit at UBC.  My diagnosis is Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety.  While here, I am using a coloring book to help pass time, distract myself during anxious times, and practice mindfulness. I am writing blog posts by hand in the coloring book and will transcribe them here.  In some of the posts I will include the coloring book quote on the page I wrote the post on, and I plan to photograph some of the completed pictures to add to the posts as well.  
Please understand that these posts will include talk about suicide and self harm as well as anxiety and depression.  If any of these are triggers for you, please don’t read. 
I went to the ER on Monday, Feb. 6 on the insistence of my family doctor.  I was transferred to the UBC unit on the afternoon of Tuesday, Feb. 7.