I have had trouble really getting a good grasp on how I have been feeling, but I think stray dog sums it up best.
Someone finds a stray, says what a nice dog it is and I wish I could keep you, but I can’t and takes it to a shelter. There was never any intention by them to keep the dog, it just comforted them to say they wish they could. They feel good though because they “saved” the stray. It’s not really about the stray, they will never see it again and it honestly had no real impact on their life.
I had some problems over the holidays and as a result, someone doing their job, said they wished they could invite me to their gathering. Again, there was no intention to, it wasn’t possible, but they probably felt better and went about their holidays thinking, what a nice thing I did. Once the holidays were done, I did get more help. Just like being turned over to a shelter. The original person even told me that it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t see them anymore because maybe I could get better help elsewhere.
After the stray goes to the shelter, doctors check to see if its healthy, its fed and taken care of, and meets people who might adopt it. I am the one everyone says is nice, but no one cares enough about to adopt. Eventually that one is put down but everyone involved in its care feels good because they passed it on to the right people.
I am cared for as an employee, a client and a patient, not a person and I am told the things that makes everyone feel better. I know they are doing their job, and that is important and they are good at it, but at the end of the day, all that matters is that they kept me safe for the time being. They feel good for saving me. If they can pass me along before the end of me, they don’t have to worry. I have no real impact on anyone’s life, I pass through, maybe make them laugh a little, help when I can, then I am gone. They might think I was nice, but not who they want around for whatever reason. It’s not their fault, its my flaws.