Sorry, but no happy Christmas post from me today. Please don’t read if talk of suicide is triggering for you.
Just under a month ago, someone I knew briefly a couple of years ago took her own life. She was an incredibly beautiful young woman, but what was most memorable was her infectious smile and the sense that she cared about people, you were important to her. I found out about her death a couple of weeks ago just by weird coincidence. My very first thought when I found out was, “good for her, her pain is gone.” That shocked me and embarassed me a little. I shouldn’t have a thought like that about such a wonderful person’s death. I in no way would advocate suicide for anyone and I have a great deal of saddness for her family and friends. I also think she had a lot more to offer the world than she got to share in her short life.
Why would I even bring this up then? It is early Christmas morning. A time for family and friends. The only person I have physically spoken to in 36 hours was the person I ordered a coffee from. I have no one in my life. Before that it was my therapist, who was kind enough to chat with me on the phone because of a moment of anxious panic I had. She is a kind and caring person who helps me so much, but a professional that is paid to talk to me can’t replace true relationships. There is absolutely no offense intended by that at all, either.
After last Christmas, I swore I wouldn’t have another lonely Christmas. Having no one who cares on this day is especially tough, but now going through it two years straight convinces me that I am not capable of making meaningful relationships for some reason.
With Haigan’s death so recently, I don’t think it was a huge surprise that I had thoughts of that option myself. I can’t though. First, I am a huge chicken. I think the second reason did more to stop me, though. I am transgender. As soon as I transitioned, I gave up my rights as a person and I became a label. Like it or not, it is true. If I killed myself, what is more likely? Will the authorities see it as someone who is so desperately lonely that the pain became unbearable or will they see it as another trans woman unhappy with her life? Somehow when the word transgender makes it into the sentence, everything becomes about that. Who would guess that my transition is actually the most positive thing in my life right now? I may not be happy with my life in general, but damn, you would not believe how incredibly happy it makes me to get dressed in the morning and step out the door as myself! I am not a label. I have all the same problems I had before my transition. I am a person who needs to be loved and needs to love. If I hurt myself physically, it could just add to statistics used to define the trans community. I won’t do that, and that honestly is taking all I have this weekend. Trans people commit suicide for a lot of reasons, but my issues have nothing to do with my gender and I will not allow the two to be linked. I am feeling more pain than I can bear, just for want of some kindness and a hug from someone because they know me and care about me. There is no pain because I am transitioning.