I am reading a very interesting book that offers an explanation to something that has been nagging me for a while.
When I started writing this blog, I made the assumption that gender is socially constructed. Definitions of what is masculine and feminine vary by culture and times, after all.
I think that by assuming gender only exists because of cultural norms I was making a last ditch effort to avoid coming to terms with my own gender.
If gender is purely a social construct, my own struggles should have never existed. People perceived me as male and I tried to act in the way that is socially acceptable for a male to act. There really should have been no dissonance, but there always was.
Now I have come to another assumption that makes more sense to me. Gender is not purely social and not purely biological, but a mixture. There is a gender identity in my mind, not created outside of me. It is how my mind sees me and thinks of me. My gender expression is what is shaped by cultural norms. Masculine looks like this and feminine looks like that. I still believe the binary gender system probably does more harm than goid for our society, but that is where we are for the time being.
In my first model, presenting as a gender other than the one my secondary sex characteristics indicate makes no sense. If gender is fact biological and social, it makes total sense why presenting as my preferred gender eases the dissonance I feel. My body and mind are starting to line up with each other. If it was just societal, I should be feeling more dissonance because I am stepping outside of those norms.