On Saturday I went for my first ever manicure. It was great, and it feels good to not have to hide the color. I have been painting my toes for a long time now, they could be hidden in shoes and socks so no one would guess my true identity.
It feels nice to be able to wear nail polish on my fingers, out in the open where I can look down at them. That is really what all of this is about, being true to myself. That is why it is not as big a deal as I thought it would be when someone looks at me in a strange way or smirks at me. Let them have their opinion, I am being authentic and it feels great.
Today started out poorly. I had a doctors appointment first thing, but knew I was facing a lot of pressure at work, so the few hours missed would make the day harder. On the way to the doctors office, the elastic in my tights broke. No more cheap tights for me. The doctor visit was not bad, but not as encouraging as I thought it would be. When I left the office, I had an urgent message from work waiting for me.
Then I made it to the bus stop to head to work, and the only other person at the stop told me my hair was gorgeous! That opened a conversation that lasted the entire 30 minute ride. She even invited me to visit her in the Philippines, where she spends time with family and takes care of underprivileged children. She is retired, unfortunately I don’t have as much time on my hands. I could have spent hours chatting with her.
Not everything will always go my way, but isn’t it funny how things seem to have a way of balancing out most of the time? Just when I seem to get wrapped up in my problems, or perceived problems, along comes a wonderful, friendly, smiling stranger to brighten my day and pull me out of my own little world. I didn’t even get a name, but she did promise me a great meal if we meet again!
I had an odd sensation yesterday while walking home from work. Maybe not so odd for others, but it’s the first time I can remember feeling it.
It is hard to describe, but it felt like I was melting into my body. I guess I have always sort of had this vague feeling that there was two of me. There has been me, my inner me and there has been this outer shell, the me people see. I never really realized how much of a disconnect there was between the two until yesterday. When i felt my inner me melting into my body, it was like they wanted to join together. I felt at home in my body, a new feeling for me. It was weird and cool at the same time. It gives me hope that I am on the right path to being a whole person.
Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. Today is also just over two months on HRT for me and the second day for me presenting full time as female. I am not happy with my hair the way it is, my voice isn’t there yet, I need to get my nails done and I need some shoes and another jacket. Physically I need more electrolysis, more boobs, and less weight. I am sure I don’t walk just right and my posture is not the best.
I was waiting for all of this to be perfect before I transitioned full time. Even with my perceived imperfections, I am much happier living as I am today. I know these things will get better or at least less important to me over time.
Coming in to work today was scary, but I faced my fears. That has given me more confidence than fixing all of the flaws I can find in myself.
Happy Thanksgiving. Guess what I am thankful for today!
I am reading a very interesting book that offers an explanation to something that has been nagging me for a while.
When I started writing this blog, I made the assumption that gender is socially constructed. Definitions of what is masculine and feminine vary by culture and times, after all.
I think that by assuming gender only exists because of cultural norms I was making a last ditch effort to avoid coming to terms with my own gender.
If gender is purely a social construct, my own struggles should have never existed. People perceived me as male and I tried to act in the way that is socially acceptable for a male to act. There really should have been no dissonance, but there always was.
Now I have come to another assumption that makes more sense to me. Gender is not purely social and not purely biological, but a mixture. There is a gender identity in my mind, not created outside of me. It is how my mind sees me and thinks of me. My gender expression is what is shaped by cultural norms. Masculine looks like this and feminine looks like that. I still believe the binary gender system probably does more harm than goid for our society, but that is where we are for the time being.
In my first model, presenting as a gender other than the one my secondary sex characteristics indicate makes no sense. If gender is fact biological and social, it makes total sense why presenting as my preferred gender eases the dissonance I feel. My body and mind are starting to line up with each other. If it was just societal, I should be feeling more dissonance because I am stepping outside of those norms.