Are You Laughing at Me?

Today was the first time I experienced hearing for myself someone laughing at me for my gender.  Later, I realized that the reason for the laughter was probably not at all what I had thought.  How I experienced it in the moment was very real though, and it was the first chance I have had to see my reaction.

My initial reaction was anger and if truth be told, some of that old shame creeping back in.  I considered both, and neither felt right to me.  Just having the presence to recognize and test my reactions is pretty new and really cool for me.

I thought about the reaction I would want to have.  I am normally a nice person and people react well to that, for the most part, so I thought, just be myself and they will probably react well. Maybe they will see that being trans changes nothing and maybe their opinion of trans people could change because of their interactions with me.  

I am quite proud of this reasoning and very proud that I stuck to it the rest of the day.  I will probably never know for sure if the laughter was because of my transition, and I may never know if being myself changed any opinions, but I am happy I didn’t react with anger or hide with shame.  I am becoming happier and happier to just be me.

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