In Between

It was a beautiful summer weekend in Vancouver and all I wanted to do was hide inside.  I keep trying to remind myself that I am only a couple of months into my transition.  Not being able to go dress as I wanted to this weekend is not the end of the world.  I am lucky it has only taken this short time to go out at all. 

I did have some things I had to get done, so I had to go out dressed in my old clothes.  I can’t wait to get rid of those clothes and the life they represent.  I almost talked myself out of a couple of errands.  I didn’t want to do them dressed like I was.  In the end, I had to get them done, so I forced myself.  What a change.  Before I accepted myself, I had the same arguments with myself, but to convince myself that I should only do things presenting as male.  Now I only want to live presenting as female.

On the way to the grocery store, I ran into a couple I know.  I haven’t seen them in so long, it was great to chat, but I was so self conscious because if how I was dressed. After the store, I got back home and hid until this morning.  I spent the time making room for my makeup and new clothes.  Even if I couldn’t dress how I wanted, doing little things like that gives me some comfort.  Besides, when I am alone, if I don’t look in a mirror, I am dressed however I want.  Imagination is a great thing!

Oh yeah, one other thing makes me feel a bit better, too.  Before bed last night, I painted my toes.  Now I am on my way to work with lilac toenails.  Something to keep me smiling no matter how Monday turns out.

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