I always knew there was something weird about me, but I never dug deeper than that. I think I was really afraid of what I would find. I kept my life compartmentalized. My urges to wear women’s clothes had nothing to do with why I constantly wanted to recreate myself. My problems in relationships could not be tied to my uneasiness with myself in any way, at all.
I was married before i finished university. She was a beautiful, slightly shy, small town girl. University was her first time away from home, and her last while we were together. We met the very first day of school. Freshmen had to park in a big lot a couple of miles from campus. She was waiting for the shuttle with a friend and we had nothing better to do than chat. She always told me when I called their room the next day, she thought I had confused the two of them and really wanted to talk to her friend.
We were married for six or seven years. It seems so long ago, it’s hard to remember the number now. Those years went by fast, though. We had our share of arguments, but they are even harder to remember than the number of years. For the most part we were happy, at least I know I was, and I really think she was, too. We loved each other and I think we still do, even if we haven’t seen each other in so many years. About ten years ago, long after I had moved far away, a friend told me they ran into her and she asked about me. She is happily married with kids that must be grown now. It brought me joy that she was happy. Also that she asked about me.
She was the last woman that I truly loved that I had a physical relationship with. She is not the last woman I truly loved. She is not the last woman I had sex with. The combination of the two scares me though. Maybe I can see why now. Connecting the dots has not given me a clear picture, maybe I haven’t connected them all yet. I can see that all those things in my life I kept separate, were never separate. I am not a real man. If I sleep with a woman I love, she will find out I am not a real man. I don’t want to relate to a woman I love as a man anyway. Why does love and sex have to be so complicated? I can continue to love if I keep sex out of the equation. Not a perfect solution, but it is easier.
There have been some very wonderful women in my life that I have had great relationships with. I still love them and I like to think they still love me. That is not the case with the ones I have slept with. Like the fights in my marriage, the sex was mostly forgettable.
Maybe the dots will keep connecting until the picture is more clear. Maybe one day I will fall in love with a woman and she will fall in love with the woman I am. Maybe then I will have what I had in university, but better. Maybe we can live happily ever after.