So far, this whole transition process has been such a rollercoaster.  I am getting to know myself better than I ever have and while that is great, I am not always sure I am prepared for what I find.  In the past, I would cope by ignoring my true feelings and hiding behind a mask.  Shame had a lot to do with that, and as damaging as it is, because of it I buried my true feelings and didn’t have to deal with them.  I am not advocating that as a coping mechanism.  There is a price to pay for it and the feelings are still there, probably to be dealt with later.  I am just saying this is what I have done.
Working through the shame on one issue, gender, has brought such a huge relief.  Now I can actually recognize this process at work (somewhat) in me and I have been going through that the last little while with an issue tied in with gender. 
A very simplistic explanation is that right now I know who I am, but when I look in a mirror, the image I see contradicts what my mind thinks. This is becoming more and more stressful for me. I can’t revert back to denial to cope with this, but I haven’t found a good way to deal with it yet.  Medical intervention is a slow process and that is a bit discouraging at times.  I am glad it is an option, but it is still a year or two before I will see any results from that. 
In the meantime, I will continue to look for ways to cope for the next couple of years.  Some days aren’t bad at all.  On the days that are bad, at least I am not as hard on myself as I used to be.


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