Control

Last time I wrote about a bit of the things I felt I had to do to pass as male throughout my life.  At the time it seemed so real to me, if I didn’t do these things, someone would figure out my secret.  That probably wasn’t the case in a majority of the situations but honestly I was so ashamed if who I was, I couldn’t take any risk that someone else would find out.
Right now, I think i am trying to hold on to some of that control over how I present myself.  Without the shame that went with it before, I am able to look at it with curiosity and some bit of amusement, though. 
I have planned every minute detail of my transition.  Doing this gives me some link to a lifestyle I am familiar with, even as I step into a great unknown.  It is like a security blanket I won’t let go of. 
Just days after I decided to transition, I had everything planned perfectly.  I knew just how the next year of my life would look.  I was most definitely in control.  Two or three days later, armed with new information and new desires, I started planning again.  I was a bit too hasty in my initial planning.  This time the plan would be foolproof, I had thought of everything.  Guess what happened a few days later? 
My mind still wants the comfort of that security blanket and that’s OK.  What I am doing is a huge deal and a little security isn’t a bad thing.  What I am starting to find amusing though, is how much events are starting to take on a life of their own.  That’s not entirely accurate.  That makes it sound like it is happening to me, but I am a very active and excited part of this process.  It’s just that I get so excited at the prospect of living as my true self, that the cautious plans and timelines keep getting revised. 
Somehow and somewhere along the way my security blanket went the way of the emperors new clothes.  I am still holding onto it for now though.  The grip isn’t quite as tight.  One of these days my eyes will be opened to the fact that in reality the blanket has been left behind and all that is left of it is an illusion of control.  I think I am starting to get a glimpse of what authenticity feels like.

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