Will I Pass

This thought has crossed my mind more than once in the last few weeks.  OK, more than once is slightly underplaying it.  The last couple of days I have had an interesting thought ruminating in my head though, and this will be my attempt to put words to it.
I can remember probably in grades 7 to 9, really waking up to the fact I was a bit different.  Maybe it’s no coincidence that this is when the boys started getting interested in girls at school.  There was a feeling of difference before that, but now it was much more pronounced. I wanted to be friends with the girls, not date them.  I wanted to shop with them and be part of the girl talk. 
It was around that age that I got very sensitive about these feelings, too.  It would have been unbearable in my mind for anyone to know.  I wanted to blend in with the boys so I acted like them.  I remember once when a boy told me I ran like a girl.  I was so embarrassed! I pretended to be mad at him, because that is what boys did and it was good camouflage for my embarrassment.  Before I would run in front of anyone else again though, I watched how the boys ran and practiced in private. 
These feelings didn’t stop when I grew up.  I have been improving my act my whole life.  Being able to blend in and deflect conversations when they focus on me has been my defense for years.  Because my differences are so big in my mind, I thought one little slip would reveal them to the whole world. 
When I told one friend that I am transitioning, she said she had no idea.  I guess I have been pretty good at passing my whole life!  I have passed as a “real man” for all these years.  I do want my outward appearance to more closely align with who I am now, but I think the challenge is not to pass anymore.  The challenge now is to suppress the instincts that have become second nature to me.  I have to stop passing and just let me be me now.


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