Relapse

This past week has been tough for me.  I thought everything was going great, then work suddenly got stressful, some of my old demons started popping up in my head and then when I was planning my weekend I stumbled onto some information on the internet about a person I didn’t really want to know.  It was like the classic train wreck situation, you don’t want to watch but can’t look away.  This is a person who I trusted with my secrets and she used those against me.  I was vulnerable to her and she responded by discarding me.  Not just discarding me, she actually did it through text not even 10 minutes after we were face to face talking.  She couldn’t tell me when we were talking, she had to text after she had left.  But no worries, she did text that she would always love me after she dumped me.  Two days later she was in a serious relationship with another person.

It has been about 5 months since I have had anything to do with her and I thought I was over it, but seeing that she is doing well with this new interest really bugged me.  I know it shouldn’t, my life and her life have gone different ways and one has nothing to do with the other.  It has brought up some old feelings that I thought I was moving past though. It’s not even that I want to be with her.  We were not good for each other and I am sure it is for the best that we are not together.  It’s not that I want the life she has now or at least the life I have built in my head based on a few tidbits of information.  It is not the kind of life I dream about and logically, I know what I have built her life to be in my head is probably not even close to the reality of it.

Why do we look at other people and think their life is so much better than ours?  I am sure I am not the only one who does it.  Once again, I make up this whole story in my head based on incomplete information, but this becomes my reality.  Even if I am completely right, what should that matter to me?  Am I waiting on someone to come into my life to make it better?  Sometimes I am, but I know that is not the answer I need.

I am the one who can make my life better, but it is not always that easy to believe.  Right now I am feeling like the martyr again.  I gave up a lot to be with her and she abandoned me.  Of course I am not a martyr, but the feelings are real and I am trying to treat with them compassion and awareness but not get caught up in them.  What are they trying to tell me about myself?  I am too busy getting caught up in my feelings this mornign to learn from them.

Gender is a cause I feel very strongly about, but it is also something that separates me from a large segment of society.  When I have the feelings I am having now, I just want to fit in with people and have connection.  Something I found out about her at the end of our relationship was that she pretends to be different people depending on who she is around.  She pretended to be ok with my gender issues until the pretending didn’t serve her anymore then she attacked me because I question gender.  I don’t want to be one of those people who acts a certain way to just fit in, but I want to fit n somewhere and not be lonely.  I am not exactly sure what I believe about a higher power, but surely there is some order to the universe and maybe there is a plan for my life and I just have to be patient and the good will come.  Patience really sucks.  It isn’t easy right now.

Maybe karma will come back to bite her?  That makes me smile a little, but at the same time rejoicing over someone else’s misery is not who I am, no matter who that person is.

I will survive this weekend and these feelings.  Maybe I will be able to see through them and find the lessons in them.  I hope so.  What I know for sure, though, is that five months ago I wouldn’t have been asking the same questions.  The pain I feel is no different, but more self-awareness has at least gotten me to shift my focus a bit from the external situation to the internal.  This road I am may have just taken a switchback and gone backwards for a while, but maybe I am not all the way back to square one.  Mixed in with all the old feelings are the new questions and awareness.  It really isn’t her, it has more to do with my perception and something going on inside me that I need to answer.  I don’t have to beat myself up over it either.

Maybe I will relapse for a bit.  Maybe I will take the toenail paint off for the day so I don’t have to answer any questions and have the whole gender discussion.  Maybe that is what I need for a little while, just to be “normal” and find someone to connect with to help these lonely feelings.  I think that is ok.  I know gender is something that will not go away, my feelings about that are very real and I can’t hide from them for very long.  True happiness will not come from pretending to be something I am not, but maybe right now my energy will best be used recognizing some other demons I obviously need to look at.  Self-awareness is a really good thing.  Even though some of the feelings are the same, I have come a long ways from where I was and I can be proud of that.  I am better equipped now to deal with these feelings.  Life isn’t always going to be easy, I guess, but I don’t have to grab for things or people who will hurt me just so I have an anchor or a place to belong.  The old me would have been desperate for that and maybe the new me will look for that for a time, but the new me will definitely recognize how unhealthy that is and compassionately turn myself to a new path.

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