So for the last 40 some years I have been trying hard to show that I fit into the gender club that I was assigned to. I thought that was the easiest way to get through life and manage to seem “normal.” Lately I have been questioning just what normal is and have decided that my normal is different from anyone else’s. I know that may not be such a huge revelation, but what was a big revelation, to me at least, is that it is ok for my normal to be unique to me. I can learn to be ok with it, too.
Now this post isn’t about that really though. Questioning normal and subsequently wondering why I haven’t questioned it before has given me a new awareness. As you can see from my previous post, I have questioned my gender. The questions have gotten stronger and more serious lately and I think they are leading me to one place. For me, it really isn’t my gender that I need to question. My questions really have been pointing to the gender system that society has imposed on me. Any discussion of my gender acknowledges the existence of a binary gender system.
For a long time I thought the best term for how I feel is gender fluid. This was still based on the binary gender system. i could fluidily identify with one gender or the other or somewhere in between. To be in between there had to be the two poles to be somewhere between.
For me personally, the term gender queer implied falling outside the normal binary gender system. This explicitly acknowledges the binary. It seems like this binary is the reference point I was using to determine my gender and I really am not entirely comfortable with that, because I don’t believe in the binary gender system. The logical questions that followed for me were 1. What else is there? 2. Why do we have to be one or the other? and 3. How did I get into this system I don’t really believe in?
My conclusion? I quit! I don’t remember signing up for this system. I tried to fit into for years without wondering why or questioning whether it was really a club I wanted to be a part of. As far as I can tell, gender is a socially constructed club that most people follow blindly because we are told to, whether implicitly or explicitly. Wait a minute, that sounds a little like a cult. Again, a very personal decision for me and absolutely no judgement for anyone else’s decision, but I don’t really want to be part of the gang anymore. I am getting out of the gender club. I don’t want to pick one or the other or something in between, I want to be out completely and not define myself by gender. I want to officially declare myself ungendered!
I am not exactly sure what this will mean. I am still trying to figure that out, but I think it will be an interesting journey that I am not sure I have the courage for. I would not advocate breaking any laws and I will respect laws as they relate to gender, that much I have decided, but as much as possible, I am going to avoid gender altogether. If someone can give me a clear definition of what it means to be a man or a woman and why it is important to belong to the gender club, I may reconsider. I don’t want to follow this socially constructed norm just because though. I am tired of picking sides when the sides haven’t even been clearly defined. It will take some relearning and plenty of correcting myself, but I am taking myself out of the gender club. I will return my membership card if I can find out who is in charge of this club and gave me my membership to start with. I don’t remember asking for it and its time for me to unsubscribe.